Writings of a misunderstood mind

The light before

2011-10-08T12:49:00.001+02:00

How beautiful the suns rays
When along water they frolic
From beneath the surface
I am eternally enamoured
Gleaming and glowing
They dance amongst the coral
The flora below to tickle
Reflections of light
Bouncing off my face
My eyes stinging
Saltiness resting in my lids
I cannot turn away
The sun, how hypnotizing
The last beauty I'm ever to see
Her rays dance among the bubbles
Caressing my skin
The last warmth I'm to feel
I exhale for the final time
Sunlight fading to black
As he releases his grip
Sun kissed water fills my lungs
Goodbye glorious world
And to the sun herself...
... Goodnight

Today

2011-10-08T12:48:00.001+02:00

It hurts today
Today I ache
It cuts today
Today I sting
Will it cease?
Today not
Will it leave?
Another day
Not today
Tears fall
Today
Staining tears
Heart pains
Still today
Anger wanes
Only today
Such sadness
All today
Such anguish
Felt today
Will I be ok...
... Today?
Not today
But
Tomorrow...

Never enough

2011-10-08T12:44:00.000+02:00

Burn all you know
Cut those you love deep
Complain of all you have
Never satisfied, never happy

Never complete you are
Wanting more and more
It is never enough for you
Yearning for something else

This is not your life you say
You got a raw deal
Someone else got what is yours
Always longing... Wishing

What will change your fate?
Who will make you smile?
When is it enough?
How long will you pine?
Why can't you accept?

Your fate is yours to decide
Your smile yours to show
It is enough from this moment
The pining to end
Time to accept

It IS enough

Cynical

2011-10-07T07:29:00.000+02:00

The sun awakes with morning dew
For the rain I wait to fall
Each green shrub and grass blade of beauty
I wait to die, to wilt, to wither
Rose bush flowers before your eyes
Their demise by frost I await

Waves against the shore do crash
Each sand dwelling creature to drown
Its colours of blue and green so breathtaking
For its dirty brown shade to take I wait
Sunset along the skyline
I'm expecting the night to fall

The ill being aided to fight their pain
Anticipation of their death looms
To dance and jump and enjoy once more
Their bones to break my only vision
To retain their youth in all they do
For me, biding time until decrepit

A heart that sings, beats aloud
I yearn for it to stop
For love to experience and produce
Temporarily in residing sadness' place
Joy and happiness with each heart beat
It will end my friend, don't get comfortable

To each enjoyment there is
The dark side beneath
This cynic is not cynical
Takes a realist to see it
Its what I am
I am real

For my favourite

2011-09-28T16:15:00.000+02:00

To wash away the hurt my friend
To wipe the crimson tear
In a heartbeat I would do for you
At your side I'm always here

Anger and hatred I'd slay for you
Sadness and heartache and fear
Without hesitation I'd do for you
I'll sharpen and ready my spear

The burn and ache beneath the skin
I'd fix and would repair
No question that I'd mend, my friend
The damage that is there

My favourite, I'd try, I'd do my best
To take it all away
It isn't my pain to heal for you
Though I'd persevere anyway

At your side it is I remain
A shoulder on which to lean
When all the tears leave, my friend
Your friend I've always been

Xoxo

A year

2011-09-05T12:01:00.000+02:00

Heartache and happiness
A year will find
Smiles and tears too
But in my best friend I did find
The solace that is you

Life and death
A year will find
Joy and anguish too
But in my confidante I did find
The solace that is you

New and old
A year will find
Replace, revive, renew
But in my lover I did find
The solace that is you

Too reminisce and remember
A year will find
Looking back you did too
But in my future I did find
The solace that is you

Fresh new start and change
A year will find
Compromise too
But in my life partner I did find
The solace that is you

And in this year so many blessings
Angst and sadness too
Yet through it all you were there
I'm ever thankful that it was you

I love you baby :)
Happy 1 year anniversary
5 Sep 2011

Thoughts

2011-08-14T10:50:00.000+02:00

I am going through a bit of a rough personal time at the moment, this is what I wrote the day I felt like my world came crashing down :

The darkness in this time is my enemy… my eyes close and I drift to sleep with only the worst case scenarios on my mind. I see your face, so hollow, so scared. The facial expressions are emblazoned on my sub conscious and as my eyelids rest, beneath them all these memories flicker in and out of my dreams. It is as if I have no escape. In the time that I wake, my thoughts and conspiracy theories are doing somersaults in my mind. The questions plague my psyche. Why? How? When? Where? What? I am cursed. These questions over and over again taking away from my reality as I sink further back into myself. Even my own dreams know the limits of my reality and do not allow me time reversal. Do not allow me to change what has been done. All the while when I am awake, the same consciousness is struggling internally with itself to allow me to hold on to what is real. When will my mind be allowed the light? When will my life be allowed its happiness? How does one function as an emotional amputee… when one of your reasons for breathing has been unwillingly removed from your lungs. How do you hold onto positivity when the worst cases need to be taken into consideration as they will change lives forever? I am not the pillar of strength I claim to be and each smile and laugh is purely a façade to placate the onlookers who share my distress. Is it possible that one other could even feel the loss that I feel? Is it possible that the pain I am enduring will one day cease? I wonder if my heart will ever be able to put itself back together again… or if it will bury itself in the event you are taken away from me permanently. Will this void ever be sated without your presence? Where will I lay my head that I will one day again be able to rest. All I do is cause myself more anguish every time I pinch myself to make sure that I am in fact not dreaming. This is all so surreal… all I want to do is wake up from this bad dream that is my life. That is our lives. How unfair that when all is complete and making sense, all gets taken away from us. I see the fire in the eyes of our girls, the life that we have brought and the lives that we shape. I try to draw strength from every one of their breaths and yet I am weak. Without you I am only part of myself and until you return I cannot function completely. I would give willingly of myself to do anything that I could to bring you back. If I could change things, go back in time and remove the poison from your life, become the only one you would ever need, I would. Sadly, I am no magician and the magic that is my will is eluding me at this point in time. Who would ever know how lifeless my limbs are and how empty are my lungs? That each breath I take whilst you are stuck in that hell stabs me with guilt. No one could know the need that I feel to hold you, to feel the touch of your skin… the roughness of your hands. How I ache to feel your warm breath upon my cool winter worn skin. All I want is to be in your arms and to hear the smoothness of your voice… the love in your words. The guilt that I feel for all I have done wrong overwhelms me immensely. Guilt for taking you for granted. How weak I am when I don your clothing to be nearer to you. When I talk to the mirror as if you are here. When I torture myself by staring for hours at the pictures of your beautiful smile and big blue eyes. Who knew that torture was so sickly sweet and whilst all I do is wound myself further, these are wounds I cannot function without. The saltiness of the tears that flow freely from my guilt ridden eyes burns my cheeks on their way down. How did I let you leave without whispering words to you as I should have for months before? With each passing minute another piece of my soul is ripped from its resting place until the emptiness consumes me. I pray for the numbness to take hold of me and to remove me from this plane, to whisk me off to a parallel universe where none of this could ever have been imaginable. A universe where perhaps when we are awarded happiness, we are permitted to keep it. Where the rugs we stand on are not at risk of being pulled out from beneath us. Where my curse is removed and those I love are no longer affected and destroyed by it. If only this universe existed… I would run away with you to this place and never look back. In my dreams the only universe is the one showing me the negative future that I refuse to accept. If only belief was something I was comfortable with… if only faith was something which I knew? Perhaps a prayer from an unworthy beast will fall on not yet deaf ears and a sympathetic answer will be given. Perhaps not. Perhaps this soul was left to the devil a long time ago and all my pleas, prayers and pain is in vain. Perhaps this beast is not able to be loved and all will be done to prevent that from happening, including the ruin of others’ lives as I stand by and watch in dizziness. My curse that is my love for you burns so deeply within me that without you I perish. At the end of it all there may be a light that will be lit for us but until then I sit and I wait in darkness. The candle flickers. The flame dies

The Stairs

2011-08-10T18:08:00.001+02:00

Hurts and pains beneath the stairs
Secrets and lies kept prisoner there
Heart in chains and soul in bind
The ache and agony grow with time
Yet locked away, this terror remains
Mind, body, spirit burned and stained
Surface to remain strong, guarded and true
Walls erected so none can see through
Above these stairs you walk and stomp
Unbeknownst to you the secrets below that romp
Each acidic word slices deep the gut
Cutting down to them where away theyre shut
Never would you realize the damage you do
But its all my fault, Id never let you through
The pain I feel is mine and mine alone
You’ve only done that which you know
Inwardly these secrets do burn
Forever my lesson, my subject to learn
Never ending memories suffocate beneath
These stairs you walk, this person to see

Author

2011-08-10T18:07:00.001+02:00

My words hold no lesson for you to learn
Nor advice which you can heed
I’m merely a soldier, whose weapon is my pen
Whose thoughts I let you read

My sadness and sorrows open for you to see
That you and yours may feel
Happiness is not that easy to write about
My pain is what makes me real

Sometimes what you read, you will not like
That I guarantee
My promise as a write to you is this
Everything you read is me

Nothing fake or untrue that I’d know nothing of
Of this you can be sure
Truth and ink straight from the heart
Honesty that is pure

Interpretation of my words is yours from what you see
To each something different indeed
Whatever you take, take with love…
And never cease to read

Selfish

2011-01-12T11:07:00.001+02:00

I am alone. You do not understand.
A friend in need, you yearn my hand
You grieve, you cry, you mourn, you weep
Your woes your own, your secret to keep
Bourden me not with such words and torment
I fear I dont care, your pleas I resent

Selfish, broken, dark and deep I am
In truth, I dont give a damn
Hate for mine, these horrid ways
Curse me and mine over these dark days
Nonchalant I remain, you I ignore
Your constant whining I abhor

Have you not thought of the damage you do
To care only for yourself, only for you
And return you do with further plight
Your pitiful struggle, internal fight

Did you stop to see if I showed concern?
or perhaps for silence I did yearn
Not a moments thought for my wellbeing
Still you remain blind, ever unseeing

Your ignorance by me shall not be blamed
and yourself unharmed, untouched, unmamed
The question you should ask yourself is
Am I the one who is selfish?

The Sacrifice

2010-12-13T14:49:00.000+02:00

Death and life, tis all the same
Raised to cloud or doused in flame
Pain and wrath, todays sanctuary
Mercy and love, the future's obituary

Left to bleed, to cry, to fear
A smile, a grin, no longer here
Strangulation, your hand I do grip
Suffocation, with your limbs I equip

A hole to dig, a soul to bury
Friends to mame, rest ever weary
Soil to lift and petals do die
Passing of anger, spirits fly

Arms high above me, legs heavy below
Outstretched I cry, no hurt left to sow
Take what is yours, leave what is mine
Empty vessel to free, my thoughts thine

Drink from my essence, feed on my life
Cut out from me feeling, your tongue your knife
Of myself I will give, to keep you sane
This life of yours, mere death in vain

To soak or burn, either your fate
Here I belong, your needs to sate
Upon alter my duty to burn
A sacrifice in me, your lesson to learn

We are pregnant

2010-12-01T12:13:00.001+02:00

Her

2010-11-23T20:10:00.000+02:00

The silent calm of shadowy night
Peace and sleep his only plight
Torturous thoughts plague his mind
No rest permitted for him to find
She dances naked within his head
The one he longs for in his bed
Demonic touch, satanic glare
Wicked tease, this evil mare
Poisoned touch, acidic lips
Wretched wench whose innocence is stripped
A hand outstretched for skin to meet
Echoes of drumming rythmic heartbeat
Beads of sweat exceptionally smooth
Bodies entangled, used and bruised
No cleanse for this addiction
No cure for this affliction
This empty soul his only salvation
A reason for his hearts pulsation
Lost in her, weak he remains
His heart stolen, spirit mamed
This dark essence she doth possess
Always and ever his countess

Misery

2010-11-22T20:07:00.000+02:00

Desolate and barren this soul
Beyond repair, its damage deep
Lost, unsure and out of control
Sadness and misery mine to reap
Much I hold in palm of hand
Little reason for the sorrow
Destined I am too be damned
Forgotten faith in tomorrow
Broken, cracked, my psyche torn
Bound to this very breath
Anguish, heartache, all forlorn
This life perhaps my test?
Belong here I do not
Spirit meant for something great
How quickly I forgot
This test my only wait
Motivation for a smile
Surely he does exist
If only for to stay a while
His presence I do miss
A touch of hand to her hair
Much love for her I feel
Another reason to be here
This future, it is real
Tears will come, away to sweep
Perservere I must
This my family to keep
For misery I no longer lust

Father Nature

2010-11-08T15:37:00.001+02:00

In cold of season, leaves do change
From brown to red, the winter range
In dark of day, when skies are black
And light of night, the sun is back
Wind blows north from left to right
The south rising sun remains a sight
Spring to Autumn it is we go
The rain pours down revealing snow
Iceburgs melt in winters cold
Flowers die in warmth of old
From death to birth it is we grow
We reap the seeds from plants we sow
He sits upon his mighty perch
Wreaking havoc upon the earth
All that breathes and life does give
Tis his duty to contradict
No mortal soul old age shall make
Each aching heart his turn to break
All you know he will reject
The fate of yours his too predict
Rivers flow against the grain
Towards the sky from below it rains
Rage and fury he will instill
Sadness and dark your mind to feel
He is her opposite, he is her black
Father Nature... he turns his back

Regrets

2010-10-21T20:51:00.000+02:00

Something to wonder
Long before your last breath
Or thoughts to ponder
Hours before death

Had I pressed my lips
Softly against the rain
Had I lain in wet grass
White silk to stain

Beside you was I
In your hour of need
A calling of friendship
Was it I who did heed?

Had I watched sunsets
Across the sky
Had I any regrets
For the sun in my eye

Had I sang to you
Smiled as you slept
Had I danced in time
To the music we kept

Had I waved to them
On the streets they lay
Had I any strength
With only one to stay

Had I painted the moon
The stars in the night
Had I given up to soon
Did I start the fight?

Had I giggled at jokes
Told by a stranger
Too much did I smoke
My body endangered

Did I kiss with heart
Did I love with fire
Had I shown you yourself
Through my eyes of desire?

Had I taught the young
Many to inspire
Had I guided and given
All that they require

Had I been all I could be
In light of what I had
Had I been a nuisance
Depressed, lonely and sad?

Had I read enough
Did I talk too much
Had I been afraid of a hug
Or an addict to touch?

Had I told you that day
How much I did care
For now its too late
Tis your turn to prepare

To turn

2010-10-20T16:49:00.002+02:00

Sharp fangs pierce soft satin skin
Drawn blood to the surface does rise
Cool breeze whips moistened dermis
Shedding of tears briefly intertwined
For utopia is found in wounding of flesh
Elated weeping mutes all pain

Tightened grip, hands do take
Inner core, sweet breath doth shake
Beaten, bound, whipped, gagged I remain
My body, my soul, my being to claim

Streams of crimson stain silk sheet
Strewn loosely amongst restraining cloth
Burning courses through my veins
Heartbeat thwarted by piercing demon
White knuckled fire within me to heat
Denial no longer optional

Tightened grip, hands do take
Inner core, sweet breath doth shake
Beaten, bound, whipped, gagged I remain
My body, my soul, my being to claim

Still and peaceful ache does end
Future unknown and fearful still
To quench this flame is course alone
Thirst, hunger, overwhelmingly rise
No sleep for this dealthy hollow
For in death, is death, my death

Tightened grip, hands do take
Inner core, sweet breath doth shake
Beaten, bound, whipped, gagged I remain
My body, my soul, my being to claim

Onwards neck to pierce once more
Generations murdered in paradise
To live in love and passion and heat
Stripped of humanity and morals
Animal instinct left to fuel
This is your fate, your future

Tightened grip, hands do take
Inner core, sweet breath doth shake
Beaten, bound, whipped, gagged I remain
My body, my soul, worth in entirety the pain

My dream

2010-10-14T20:32:00.002+02:00

In this dream, I pray not to wake
Reality waning, each breath I take
Hopes seemed in life to pass by
Yet these you grant, without effort nor try
Touches so gentle, words softly said
This tattered book, its pages now read
Redemption in your eyes I do seek
Strength to this soul, once beaten and weak
Within your being, I long for the light
For my rescue in dead of night
A lifetime search for purpose and truth
A saviour, best friend I've found in you
With every breath, thoughts of you I weave
Your warmth, your heart and life to receive
An eternity of promise for you to take
Eons of assurance, my covenant to make
Rain surely falls, thunder still to break
This love remains, nought to shake
Escape from me my final breath
The only exception, an inamorata in death
Nothing in nor out this feeling to sway
Wake not from this dream, on bended knee I pray

Wasteful soul

2010-10-05T20:37:00.000+02:00

The pain and lies, they sadden me
Innocence, purity, nowhere to see
Burn, mame, injure said he
From this life, the tainted to free
Wails, tears, their cries now plead
Crimson, scarlet, theirs to bleed
No sane man's cry shall they heed
Unto death become, this their deed
Bound, gagged, to hurt inflict
The body, the temple, now derelict
Strained knuckles, heart to heart constrict
Depth in mind, belief they're picked
Chosen the one to cause such pain
Velvet essence, washed away by rain
No freedom in grasp to regain
Only sadness on souls forever to stain
Clutch by being, soul to steal
With this devil, conclude this deal
Tonight my thoughts his only meal
This evil... Unpure and ethereal.

Mine

2010-09-13T21:02:00.000+02:00

Reborn in dark, she's cool again
A broken heart begins to mend
Alone at dusk, in quiet thought
A lesson learnt, a lesson taught
For fear of pain, her heart she closed
To all around remains unknown
Beneath the spikes that hurt inflict
A melted centre her doth constrict

Along you came, the pieces fall
Barging trust right through her walls
The fire within once more to ignite
To see you again, her only plight
Swiftly overtaken her soul, body, mind
Forgotten woes left far behind
All time, perception, devoid of meaning
For only you her conscious healing

Once again the future she sees
In your eyes her epiphany
She begs, she pleads for you to stay
The light with which to lead astray
Against the grain now she falls
Head over heels though standing tall
Tears no longer shall they cry
As you remain
My only mine

Shevy <3

Face your war

2010-08-30T23:47:00.000+02:00

Never fail to remember from that which you run,
For within, tis reason yourself to become
The reason in you, to think, to be
The validity encompassing all in me
The dark, in her glory, does best to shade
In truth, your soul she irks and raids
Though future iis bright, stars are few
Inevitably moon wakes to nurture you
Clouds run amuck, gather for rain
The way you feel, you reel in pain
A glance, a stare, a crooked smile
How you forget when good runs dry
To wake tomorrow, merely a day
Not one can chase these fears away
Mental abuse daily inflicted on self
The alternative to conscious hell

Pain and tears and sadness rife
Fear, disbelief for your tales of strife
This is indeed your creation, indeed your life
Only to be removed, dismembered by your knife

You forget the blade in time does blunt
The good, no need for you to hunt
Evil and dark too easy you now shunt
Behind she lurks, you lead out front

Tall and good finally you remain
No more leech your life to drain

And amongst the black and night
Your soldier, I, with you did fight

Cubic Zee

2010-08-22T16:52:00.000+02:00

The glass that is me, refuses to glitter
Real gems they sparkle, faces twist bitter
The ruby, the diamond, at heart cut true
Yet outwardly fake, the fraud that is you

My cut isn't perfect, nor clarity clear
Take care when you drop me, I'd crack in fear
Scratch me, break me, carbon copy I am
Don't hold me too close, I'd shatter in your hand

Certified I'm not, the other precious stones amaze
Though hold those stones close, cold to cool they phaze
Openly honest of the flaws I possess
My only motive is with these flaws too impress

Set in your metal, watch me shine
Your thoughts a reminder "To make a gem mine"
Timid and sad, in your presence I gleam
Yet in this 'fake', flaws are all you see

Realise not what truth you have in this glass
Pure cut gems, too glitter is their farce
All this time, perfection you'd rather take
So long, farewell, you've found your fake

Alone

2010-08-21T13:55:00.000+02:00

Unto heart a story, wordless story told
For the union of two souls, one soul become
This destiny not yours, not mine to gain
Solitude my sanctuary when dark days remain
Cool, collected smiles reign false
Facade encompassing being to oneself true
Silent, softly tears creep cheek
Realisation for lack of union so vital
Joy waning, heart beats in stagnation
Alone I am, this fire self fuelled
Burning embers alight from within
Holistic union not required
Desired heart with love ever unrequited
For unloved and unwanted outweighs alone
And tears, the fall, shall fall not for you
Without you, spurn forth I do
My heart, alone belongs to myself
Validation not needed, wanted, given
Inner hatred dissipates with love lost
Freedom ensues

My demons

2010-08-21T13:44:00.000+02:00

A corner, the darkness, my demon does hide
My soul its solace, amongst blood she seeps
She tortures, she torments, she watches me cry
He black. Her evil. Her demonic rests deep

Weak I am, to rid myself of her wrath
The truth is she comforts me, wipes my tears
The demon never leaves, forging my path
The creator of all misery, sadness and fear

Twisting, contorting all the good that's inside
I push her away. I fight and I fail
In the end my secrets and poison she hides
My own darkness and misery beside her prevails

Holding my hand, through shadows she leads
Her anger, her rage, within me boils
This isn't me, not who I am? I plead
Yet no reply, no compassion, inwards I recoil

In times of terror, my demon my only friend
Sick and twisted, I am chastised again
Sad, lonely, no longer will I pretend
The demon, she accepts me
This demon. My demon
My only friend

Life's Beating

2010-08-03T11:12:00.001+02:00

Knock me down again, plant a fist between my teeth
Whilst I lay on the icy hard floor, eyes closed for you to beat
Cold hands of steel grip my neck, suffocate me my last breath
I fight, I struggle, pounding weakened elbows upon your chest
Every time I rise, kicked back down upon myself
Every time an ounce of hope appears, you sit me back upon my shelf
Eerily, sickeningly, again I am bound to stand
Trip, stumble, knees grazed, you race your wheels across my hands
My head against the wall you knock, my back bruised red and raw
No sympathy or fear you feel, you are the only law
Dare I argue or interrupt, dare I try to get myself back up
There you are, forever and always, my reflective close up
Death’s door I long to knock, remove me from this hell
I pound, I kick, I scream yet too wounded for the bell
Bound, broken and bleeding, misery filled and alone
Here I sit without a hope, my sins no longer yours to atone
With the dawn the sun will rise, she sets too without a worry
Abused I am imprisoned, her rays see me and they scurry
No good am I for the world, or whatever’s in it
Clearly life’s abuse, should be indicative of it

A weight lifted

2010-07-26T09:09:00.002+02:00

Held me down you did
My tears fell freely
Pushed upon my soul
No longer could you see me
Crushed and pillaged my presence
Boring did I become
Took away my essence
Chipped away til' I was numb
Realise the damage you didnt
Cut and bled me to the bone
Though we were together
All along I was alone
Strength you cannot teach
Respect is yours to earn
Abandoned the person that I was
This was my lesson to learn
In the end, a good deed you did
Your fear, me it did free
Now I am back to who I was
A stronger, greater me.

Lady Death

2010-07-14T14:34:00.000+02:00

Beneath the dark, she lurks, she creeps
She waits until I’m fast asleep
She dances, prances, beneath my bed
And blows sweet breath upon my head
Alongside my pillow she lays in wait
As if she were my soul to take
Pacing up and down the hall
She doesn’t like waiting, not at all
Wails and wallows in dark of night
Patience she practices with all her might
She whispers and whimpers and then she cries
To wake me up she tries and tries
Succeed she doesn’t, fail she does
This is the part she’s never loved
She takes my hand to gently kiss
Softly sweeps across my skin her lips
A caressing hand across my brow
It must be done, the time is now
Without a touch, a word nor sound
She lays me down upon the ground
My eyelids closed, without a murmur
A tear falls gently, this is her purpose
And now my breath to suffocate
Unconscious strength she demonstrates
As I take my final breath
She cries softly, lady death.

BFF

2010-07-13T14:15:00.001+02:00

This was written for me by my best friend :

Time has been good to us,
The inner workings of similar minds
Communication on levels unspoken
A channel that time will not erase

A wounded soldier once you were
Scattered pieces picked up as you move on
I stand and watch admirably
A powerful woman emerges from darkness

My Friend, My Mentor... Let us be one
My pillar of strength in trials and tribulations
A shoulder, I shall be for now and forever more
A rock, slightly weathered but unbroken

Indeed light at the end of the tunnel
As your inspiration fills the ones you touch
Let that be your crutch of strength
As you battle your emotions to no end

The light in your eyes should never be lost
For that is your boldest possession
Be not afraid of who you are
For I shall be there every step of the way

My treasure for life
Our Friendship never to be forgotten
My brave soldier
You shall be one again, a promise is a promise

BY LINDSEY SWART

Beaten soldier

2010-07-09T12:59:00.001+02:00

From the shadows it is I wake
Praying for you my soul to take
For all along, these battles they mame
The hurt, the anger, the words, the shame

I try, I fail, what I feel is in vain
So I beg, I kneel, to end this pain
One person, who has endured so much
This one person on dreams does clutch

Fight after fight I rise again
Each enemy I see, strength I feign
Shoulders high and torso strong
Inside I am sad, have been all along

Shield raised, sword held high
Praying the foe shan’t see me cry
For this outer bravery that now is me
Is all I want the world to see

Warfare coming at me from every side
To shake my spirit and hurt my pride
A skirmish develops, another stab to take
A wound, a scar, a cut to make

All along I am strong and true
Inside I am cold, sad and blue
The smile, the laugh, the happiness too
It is not only me but also you

Another war on me you enforce
Forgetting why it is you have this high horse
For you my friend are no better than me
I am MYSELF for the world to see.

Written for Julie

We belong

2010-07-06T12:45:00.001+02:00

In times of hardship, solace I do take
In tears and torment, when soul it is that shakes
When crushed and lowly, my breath taken away
Cowering and sadly, my dreams have gone astray
For comfort I do long, when this heart lays weary
Your touch, your sweet breath, for when I sit here teary
To smell your scent and sweat and strength
To taste your lips that doth mine torment
For your body against mine to crush
In sweet unison our cheeks to blush
End of dark day, sadness she does creep
Only you, for you, my eyes they do weep
Hurt and lost, lonely it is I mutter
For your lips, sweet lips, along mine to stutter
Empowering strength, my nervousness wanes
While my body it is, you take, you mame
Complete me, abuse me, take all that is yours
Use and enthrall me, seep right through my pores
In day and in night, you heeded my call
To you I belong, fear nothing but fear all
And in times of torment, when tears they do come
I know in you, my day, this day, sad day
Is done.

Inspiration

2010-06-30T11:56:00.002+02:00

Win
When wayward winds are against you
Fight
When failures and fears weigh you down
Persevere
When perils and prosecutors litter your path
Breathe
When backbiters and bandits talk against you
Triumph
When tests and torrents sweep you from your feet
Succeed
When scorn and scrutiny threaten your achievement
Ignore
When insolence and ignorance play part in your truth

For your strength is from within
And your willpower is from down deep
And when you falter, there I stand
When your sadness overpowers,
Tears are your solace
And in time, you will face demons
Naught which you cannot handle
In space between, dark days will settle
Amongst angst and anguish
Yet still you remain
Forget not you are you
Remember your worth
And you have endured worse
When light of day fades
Yourself you will be
No change required or necessary
But for yourself to see.

Written for Lindsey

My Angel

2010-06-30T10:39:00.001+02:00

By your chains, lifeless limbs shackled
Movement minimized by mesmerisation
Set me free from the locks with which you imprison
These iron links that have for so long held me down

To the sky I look, I ponder and I wonder
For an angelic beauty in all its glory
My freedom, my sanctity beneath its wings
This celestial calm brought forth from beyond

Without word or sound
No longer am I bound
Now you will see me
A new me that is now free

In your way you have given me peace
With and without much fault of your own
Unto you I hold no resentment
You too will be rescued and one day freed

Feel no guilt amongst the anguish
Allow yourself time in which to heal
For I have now mended and I am one
Today, the day, my angel, she has come…

YOU

2010-06-22T14:10:00.001+02:00

To look in the mirror, and not know your own worth
Is a fate that is lonely, no fate could be worse.
The brave face you wear daily, grows tiresome and weak
This face that is practiced, rehearsed and meek
Yet the strength you carry, stays strong and true
This army of a woman, this rock that is you
Without you I crawl, you guide me to walk
And whenever I need watching, you become my hawk
In times requiring counsel, wise words it is you share
And yet when there is silence, the assurance is that you are there
Perhaps not always in physics, sometimes not near but far
I am confident in you, this amazing woman that you are
Know that you are loved, without you I would not be
And having you around makes me a better me
Never lose this sense of worth, this fate that tears one down
You are too beautiful to be seen and caught with but a frown
Keep true to who you are, this spirit of calm it is you guide
From yourself you must not run, and from me must never hide
The world would be a miserable place, a void you would leave
Without your words of wisdom, your happiness that you weave
The rosy cheeks that smile, the blue eyes that shine
I am so proud too know, you are my friend, all mine
Though it gives me great upset, to know I have to share
Someone else will reap the benefits, knowing you are there.
And in the end they borrow you, never long may they keep
This friend of mine I love so dear, for my tears shall weep
Do not leave me diamond, do not leave me true
The only friend I know so well, that awesome gem is YOU!

Written for Lindsey

The Hardstyle Anthem

2010-06-22T11:37:00.002+02:00

In the dark, the dead of night
Tis the beats for which I long
The music to take my breath away
The base that makes me strong

The harder the better,
It’s what the DJ plays
Adrenalin coursing through me
It mixes through my veins

He is the commander in chief
The leader of this unit
The styler to lead us all
The hardstyler behind the regiment

We are the soldiers of his music
The beats that bring us home
The sounds of party and friendship
That reminds us we ‘re not alone

The lights, the strobe, the mirrors
A reflection of us all
The melodies, the movements
The shufflers on the floor

Those of us that jump
And those of us that slide
The two steppers and stylers
That cower to the side

We are who we are
And this music is our haven
We listen for the love
We are the ones enslaven

And though my style is dutch
Take no fear, nor pleasure
My music is my crutch
No mortal soldier weathers

Written for the Hardstyle Soldiers

Angelus Kaoticus

2010-06-14T11:59:00.001+02:00

Ashes amongst flames, once spewed, rise in honour
The angel spurns forth, from wounded soul to now healed flesh
Righteous orders fulfilled now in breath and in life
Feud and fury filtrated in the fallen
Breathes deep the air and sates his being,
Manifestation of fighting spirit now pure in human form
For he did fall and he was defeated
From his knees he did call and as man he was treated
In spirit he did heal and divine he was tested
Victorious he did emerge, conquer non contested

In the darkness she lays in wait
The weak, the meek and the unrefined
For her fear in the darkness, it is where she stays
Her paladin to her rescue, his soul divine

It is he who that remains, when all else crumbles
It is he who will withstand, to the sound of wretched grumble
It is he who will embrace when the darkness ensues
The KAOTIC ANGELUS, he is the one you choose.

Lightening

2010-06-02T14:17:00.000+02:00

To the ashes we may fall
From the ashes we will crawl
On top we will remain
Amongst these wounds and mortal pain
Human nature that hurt we inflict
Whilst another we constrict
Lies we tell, our trust to keep
Even in lie, pain we reap
Among the leaves it is we move
The lies, the torture to disprove
As we rise back true to form
The thunder, the rain, the mighty storm
It is the lightening for which we wait
The love, the life we anticipate

Reborn

2010-06-02T14:15:00.000+02:00

This deep, dark and dingy hole that is my soul
Once overflowing and nourished, all encompassed by your being
Now lost, lingering and lifeless in its shell
For what you have taken from me, cannot ever be replaced
Amidst the shadows my spirit lays without dance
The tears fall and filter through for fear
Movement amiss in this melodramatic metamorphosis
Realisation must wrestle with this reckless reality
An awakening is all empowering

So this dark and dingy hole is closing
Now nourished by nurturing loved ones
No longer lost and now lively in its shell
What you have taken from me you may keep, replacement not required
My spirit chooses within itself to dance
Tears brushed away by tainted talons
Now my movement stirs within my new being
I am aware of who and what I am without you

Awakening, ever changing

Within Yourself

2010-05-28T15:42:00.000+02:00

In the mirror, you look upon this foreign face
A face too foreign to greet back in reflection
You gawk and you wonder at whom it is you stare
When you move, the apparent likeness moves with you

Upon remembrance, you were told not to lose yourself
And in this duplication’s eyes you see yourself
Far beneath its shadow you have lost yourself
You turn to run, to chase, to free yourself

Palm to glass you touch this image
As all around you do, you wish to push through you
Yet at the speculum tis your hand that stops
Desperation apparent on your counterparts expression

You told yourself not to lose yourself
This obvious representation is yourself
You promised you would be yourself
Entrapped, still trying to leave yourself

Now you see you did as others wanted
You gave the world what they wanted to see
Yet you look in that god forsaken mirror
And realise what is looking back at you
It is not you
It is me

Hold

2010-05-21T13:57:00.001+02:00

For you I stand
When around you shatters
A hand to hold
When nothing matters
Tears will fall
And hurt prevail
Now my arms
A protective sail
Your world crumbles
Instantaneous plight
Pain and solitude
Now your strife
Yet to me you turn
You must when you suffer
My hand you hold
We hold each other

Me, Myself and I

2010-04-14T13:25:00.000+02:00

In your eyes it I is I search myself
To see myself… to be myself
I felt all along it was you I did need
All this time, my waste, my plea

In retrospect and true reflection
It seems as though I starved affection
Space and time meant nought to you
To mine ownself I was not true

The lies, the hurt, the space between
My drug, my pill, my nicotine
Forgive me now for being naive
You’re now allowed your time to grieve

Sporadic outbursts of my obsession
A mask to hide the dark depression
When all of it was false and lies
In the end it is only I, I despise

Hate is such a powerful word
To say it now seems so absurd
Deceit is the far more powerful tool
With which to hurt and ridicule

I cannot hate you, would not know how
But all that concerns me is here and now
Past, present and future consolidated
Forget the history, its common rated

To the end it is, alone I will go
And with myself, I will know
I found that girl I longed to be
She was here all along, inside of me.

Gone

2010-04-07T13:37:00.000+02:00

As gradually as you came
It was as quickly that you left
Why do you leave with so much more?
Than that with which you came?
Now I am empty
Merely a hollow shell
Of what you took with you
No more will I be yours
No more may I lay claim
For you made the choice
And away you ran
Alone I stand
My heart in hand
No longer my man
I don’t think I can
And yet I must
Sanity will be retrieved
No longer will I grieve
Wearing my heart upon my sleeve
Tall again I will walk
Alone it is YOU will be
Staring from your shadows
Wishing you had not done that
Not done all of that
To me.

My Wait

2010-03-17T11:37:00.000+02:00

Beneath the shade of soulless shame
I wait for you to call my name
Sinner and saint shant heed my cries
For upon me they look and despise

Pass judgment is all they watch and do
My thoughts amuck, I think of you
No care for what they say and feel
From your mouth only the words be real

Heart grows weak and ambitions few
My senses crushed though deep and true
All they want to impose on me
I ignore so that you will hear my plea

Time has passed and pain unchanged
Wings of love dont play this game
All among the flocks we faulter
And in your arms is still my shelter

It is time...

2010-03-03T14:03:00.000+02:00

Do not forsake me my love
Your words are cast in stone
Your actions liquid in their putridity
Tis I the one left alone

You know not what you do
When you cull and abuse
But do you not see me love?
Left alone the one you used

My tears sad and lonely
All emotion washed away
These fears and anger linger
For soothing it is I pray

In my head it is you haunt
In my mind it is I weep
For no more will I show you love
The heart of mine you keep

With all my strength I muster
Moving forward is what I do
For now you are the one that is left
Farwell so long to you

A gift unused

2010-02-26T13:47:00.000+02:00

Pencil to the parchment
Blank paper beneath my pen
How wistfully lonely
When wise words won’t come?
For inspiration, she eludes me
Weep to me oh whispering willow
Wave a wand of woeful wishes
For me with which to write
Clever tales and careless dally
Fussy and finicky I am not
I fight, I falter and I have failed
Where great men and women
Prosper before me
The bitter taste of bankruptcy
Left upon lifeless lips
Succumb to the stalemate
Of stories seldom shared
When inspiration, she leaves me
To fight another day.

Society

2010-02-24T13:29:00.000+02:00

Changing perceptions
Decreasing expectations
I was borne to shoulder your woes
Carry beside me the troubles of tomorrow
The seed in me planted to flourish
The womanly instinct in me knows only to nourish
I did not question, nor did I disagree
Argument in my mind though never to thee
Alone and lonely I walk
Headwinds and gale force could not keep me back
I struggle forth, burdens of my own lag behind
Know that I have never given up my fight
Nor have I dropped your luggage
For too long you have broken me
Moulded me to be the woman you wanted
Instead of the woman that I am
Through all of this I have not lost myself
Adaptation to suit your needs
Always only to make you and yours happy
To whom do I speak with such hurt
To whom do I cower with such fear
To you it is I plead for mercy
For you are all that holds me back
Society, you have worn me to far
Society. Yourself you have worn.

My best friend

2010-02-23T09:36:00.001+02:00

My hour of need
You heeded me
In times of peril
You comfort me
In times of heartache
The tears away you wipe
Madness ensues
You return me to my senses
I stumble
I falter
At my side you remain
Loud words
Angry stutter
Unnecessary torment
Though friends
We are still
Without you I am alone
Without you I am only me
Without you I have none
Without you I would not see
What it is to be a friend
How it is to be a companion
For a love that is beyond words
I share
With you
My best friend

Written for Lindsey

The Hope

2010-02-18T16:18:00.001+02:00

Desolate and deserted are these fields once fruitful
In times of treachery and torment, the winds will blow
the sands of loneliness over the baron lands…
The odour of putridity and death fills this lacklustre air
Desert ruins awash with the reminder of what once was
though not to be again

Forgotten in an annihilated yet promising past
Do not give up for fear of failure
Though all is broken and eradicated
All is most certainly not lost
From the ruins will rise realms of wonder

Stare in disbelief as mountains move before
Your very eyes and mind
In your heart be sure, be sure my angel
All has been restored and will continue
To be the seed on which you feed

The baron lands once fruitful
Live to bear fruit once more
Succumb to the smell of life and hope
The sands are washed away and all that remains
Is beauty my sweet. Your beauty.

Fight

2010-02-18T11:14:00.000+02:00

I will fight for what I believe in
I will fight for what I love
I will fight for my family
I will fight from up above

I will fight until I can’t
I will fight until I tire
I will fight until I’m finished
I will fight with someone higher

I will fight with all my might
I will fight with all my strength
I will fight with my belief
I will fight with the one on whom I can depend

I will fight for your affection
I will fight so that you see
I will fight with God’s approval
I will fight for you and me

The revelation of it all

2010-02-18T11:13:00.002+02:00

Wound without malice, hurt without intent, pierce without purpose…
See the shards of shear sadness strewn across this stage
The façade I try to enforce in the eyes of the perpetrator
… no longer functions as it should
The tears run hard and fast from pools of sadness in a vast expanse of pain
At the mouth begins the river, at the heart ends the rapids
Turmoil and disorder run amuck, ravaging the encasing of my world.
Show me this will not last forever
That the anguish will soon end and light will prevail
I promise to be stronger, to be the person that I should
To allow for change and amendment in a world of uncertainty
Though with distress and digress, this is what I will stress
For your freedom, release is what I shall grant
For they say to set something free is proof of what exists
With sadness in my heart I await your return
The love for you, in me, forever it will burn

Awaken

2010-02-18T11:13:00.001+02:00

Sun beams across the pillow
How they dance across his face
The sunlight shines in and illuminates
Though glitter he does not,
Perfect he remains
The sound of his heart beating
Enough to stir the sleeping beast inside
Terrified to wake him,
For the peaceful rest to end
How beautiful he is when all so still
Bare movement and murmur
Epitomising greatness
In all its creation he is what makes me, me
He does not realise
How much of this he owns
Tears do well at the realisation of it all
Where are you my darkness?
Allow me to weep!
For tears, they show sadness
My tears too they show love
Grant me my request
My momentary madness
After him it is I reach
After him it is I call
He is my momentary madness
The keeper of it all

Be Gone

2010-02-18T11:11:00.000+02:00

It was how you looked at me
That had spurned the fury
The way you spat at me
In all your mystic glory

Your tortured me and raped
All there was too pillage
Within my deepest corners
You ripped away my bandage

With pure shock and horror
It was to me you stared
Why act surprised
I am sure you never cared?

Revenge is sweet they say
Especially when served cold
Revenge a bitter end
No energy to scold

So I leave you lonely
Naked and unsure
Remember who understood you
When you were no longer pure

Goodbye, farewell so long
Good riddens and all the rest
I am better of without you
To that I can attest

Ode to a soulmate

2009-12-03T12:48:00.001+02:00

I look to you yet you look the other way
I called to you and far from me you stay
In my dreams it is in which you lay
Yet when I wake, to see you I pray

To feel , to see, to think and be
From all of the above it is you flee
Emotions scattered, this fiery debris
Yet still you ignore my heartfelt plea

All out in the open, here I stand
Arms outstretched, take my hand
This is not what I envisioned, not what I planned
Its time to stand up and be a man

You ran from me for far too long
I know what I feel, I know its not wrong
In my heart and in my life is where you belong
Join me in writing our own love song

I am here with you until the end
No problem to big, you and I can’t mend
No need for either of us to pretend
Forever I promise to be your best friend

Me

2009-12-03T12:47:00.006+02:00

I am who I am and what I am
You may like it, perhaps not
In your heart I am putty, in your hands I am stone
Crush not what I give, without it I have none
Take care of the weak
Bearing the façade of being strong
Nurture and caress, though putrid I appear
Walls of hurt and pain, torn down for you
I ache for your acceptance, to calm the anger
It wells inside, pushing you away
When all it wants, is for you to heal.
Reject me not for I am hurting still
Resent me some for I owe you this much
In your mind, break it down.
All the tears and the quiet.
To say nothing is for me to speak volumes
Answer me with merely your words
Soothing and soft
Never forget that in the end
I am still me.

Freedom

2009-12-03T12:47:00.005+02:00

The sanctity of cool and dark
Lines fade from reality and truth
Alone and comforted
No soul to tease
In my shadow you calmly wait
Salvation in your arms
You stand so patient
My soul to keep
Wretched is the light
Entwining my thoughts
It tortures me so
With its beams of shine
Come hither she beckons
Step out of the shade
Out of the night
Fear not she calls
We will protect you
Shielded in brightness
Outwards I ensue
To leave the cool and dark
Far far… far behind
A place of comfort
Too soon abandoned
Crawl and creep no more
Above the silence
Scream, cry and shout
You are free

Something happy

2009-12-03T12:47:00.003+02:00

No need to open my eyes
For I can envision your face
Your cool, calm, caressing touch
The strength of your embrace

To want something bad enough
Is simply to believe
No dream is more reachable
It is ours to achieve

When I look at you
The future of my vision unfolds
It is within the depth of your eyes
The power of forever it holds

Together we are strong
A rock, a wall, a stance
We are eachothers dependable
That started with a glance

I give to you my all
My being, my everything
Whatever is mine for me to give
Whatever the future’s yet to bring

I see in you my best friend
My partner, lover and confidante
This way I wish it to stay
While our future it is we hunt.

Breath

2009-12-03T12:47:00.001+02:00

All that which draws me to you
Would be the end of it all
Who could have known
Your luscious lips
Would spew too venomous deceit
Whilst the touch of hand would grow fierce on my skin
Luscious locked lips
Thieving the very breath that keeps my heart a beat
A sensitive move
To cup my head in your hands
Forcefully bowing my body to your whim
Each breath, a painful one
As my life from my skin you steal
Suffocated veins beneath the surface
Rhythmically beating to the sound
Of your stolen inhalation
As if you could make it easier
If only you would hear my scream
My cries thwarted by the constriction of my lungs
Your own saturated and satisfied
While skin hues blend from pinks to blues
Realisation of what you have done
Silent crimson tears stream down
Angelically ashen cheeks
Limp and wounded in your arms
My time to pass
My last breath you did leave
For my final cry
And in your memory
I fade
I die

No more

2009-12-03T12:46:00.005+02:00

Would you know to turn
When beneath your hand I flailed
Could you catch me
If I was to fall from your push
Would you see me
Whilst you walk over me to be seen
In all of your ambition
Would you forget where I lay?
Could you talk back to me
When under your bellowing self I fell silent
Should you touch me
Whilst all around were grabbing you
Could you carry me
When you stop yourself from falling
Or would you notice the emptiness
If I was no longer by your side
How you push me down and shut me out
Sidelined, subdued and submissive
Have you forgotten, what it is to be a partner
Or have you preferred to call yourself
The master

See me

2009-12-03T12:46:00.003+02:00

I want more from you
Yet you wont give it to me
Its what I need
Yet you keep it from me

If you knew how little I was asking
You would free your soul
Give in to this demanding
Your strength, for me to hold

No one sees what I see
No one feels what I feel
If they saw what I saw
They would know this is real

Bend at my request
Break if that’s what it takes
This feels so right for once
A bond which you cannot break

As you lay your head
Down to your sleep tonight
Of me you will dream
Deny with all your might

I am the one for you
Yours and yours alone
Why wont you see what I see
See now… before I am gone.

Sleep

2009-12-03T12:46:00.001+02:00

She lays herself to sleep
In the stillness of the night
To afraid to close the door
To scared to switch off the light.

Sickly sweet this silent still
Almost to good to be true
The beauty in quiet she enjoys
With nothing left to do

The nightmares of the day
Fade quickly into thought
Solace of the solitude
Her dreams now to be caught

Counting sheep she doesn’t
Night lamp, she has none
She has the one thing she needs
For rest when day is done

So she gets in closer
Arms wrapped around tight
Warmth of love surrounding
The one who hears her plight

Her eyes close all too swiftly
Suddenly she feels secure
The love of her life she is holding.
Sleep ready now to occur.

She beckons

2009-12-03T12:45:00.004+02:00

You didn’t lead me here.
Merely a companion for the ride.
My soul chained me
She called from yonder
Envisioning my time
Beckoning
I heeded
This soulless shell
Briskly moved to an
Emotional epiphany
As if I had a choice
My leash told me otherwise.
Drowned before me
In the vat of lies and betrayal.
Thoughts. Beliefs.
Lifelong. Life… gone.
My lady, my soul.
She shows me the way
Ever forceful. Unrelenting.
Fireflies of thought and memory
Squelch beneath my feet
The mulch and swamp I limp through
A reminder of the putridity
I call my past.
A light shines from far ahead
Perhaps an ending.
Swiftly, memories fade.
Though you I have not forgotten.
You trail behind.
I see her
Laughing and leading
Leading and Listening
Listening and Laughing.
Almost there she calls
Chain breaks
Freedom ensues
Encircled by a future
Light beckons…
You did not lead me here.
Merely my companion
For the ride…

Misunderstood

2009-12-03T12:45:00.003+02:00

Misunderstood
So completely
misconstrued
You all see me
See my actions
Feel my words
You watch me
Bleed
Wonder why I
Cry
Hear my
Call
Yet you walk on
Don’t look up
Pass me by
I am nothing
To you
My pain numbs
My thoughts
Envelope
My heart
Breaks
You don’t look
Run on by
Pick up the pace
Perhaps you
Imagine
I am your disease
I am what you
Fear
Who you are so
Scared to become
Stop to think
Perhaps
I could be your
Sanctity
Your saving grace
Think of me
Before you
Think ahead
Watch my tears
Fall swiftly to your
Feet
Believe
This could be you
Your tears
At mine
Should I walk
On by
Should I stop
Take a minute
Identify
Why?
When you chose
Not too see
Judgement
Your escape
I ask you
Don’t ignore
Only hear
That which is
Around you
Before its too
Late.
Before I am
What you fear
And you
Your freedom
Lost.

Dream

2009-12-03T12:45:00.001+02:00

I will lend her to you
This angel of the darkness
She will hold your hand
And guide you
On your quest for selflessness
She will watch as you rant
And rave
Whilst you flail and blaspheme
Conjuring up all your evil
Laying down in all
That you spew
All you say
She will understand
Without a spoken word
She will console
Run, run behind her
Follow whilst she leads you
Through paths of thorns and thickets
Of reeds
When you stumble or you trip
She will pull you from beneath
The rubble
When you deserve praise she will give it
And when you are to be scolded
She will scream with no voice
And beat with no fist
She will love you when
You need to be loved
She will not judge where judgement
Is required
When you are finished
Be sure to lay her to bed
Before sun rises and world awakes
Before moon dims
And owls rest
This angel of darkness
Call her by her name
Dream.
Dream.
Dream.

Where will you turn

2009-12-03T12:44:00.003+02:00

Where will you turn?
When your heart is burdened
Your eyes lachrymose
Your body shattered

To whom will you run?
When you have no one beside you
No one to fall into
No hand to hold

Whose advice will you take?
When the masses condemn you
Your friends race ahead
Your loved ones leave you behind

In whom will you confide?
When your secrets surpass your past
Your past encompasses your present
Your demons scratch at your door

With whom will you cry?
Whilst you yearn for escape
Pray for respite
Beg for resolution

Still…
The silence does not come.
Still…
The dark does not turn
Still…
You gasp breathlessly

Culmination of anxiety
In response to despair
To whom will you be turning

There I sit… in your chair
:)

To cry

2009-12-03T12:44:00.001+02:00

(We know I dont do rhyme, thought I would dabble a bit)

My mind sits in wonder
As my tears sit in wait
Fear all consuming
Comfort comes too late

I shan’t let you win
Taunting saltiness beneath the lid
Pushing, forcing, teasing
This crying I forbid

Sobbing is beneath me
And tears are my foe
Don’t make me turn out to be
Someone I don’t know

We fight and fight
The battle you have won
Your warm path you take
Strength I have none

This waste of water
Stop! No more I say…
Yet you persist
You come down anyway

Finally I am broken
Left spent upon the floor
My pillow stained and soaking
I beg, please, no more

So I am left to wonder
My mind works overtime
I am still the same person
My emotion is still mine

Perhaps it doesn’t help to cry
Though clarity awaits
No matter how hard you try
Once they come… it’s too late

Turning 25 - What I have learnt

2009-12-03T12:43:00.008+02:00

This year I turn 25.
Theoretically, I am in my 25th of life…
So, what have I learnt?

I have learnt that you cannot choose your parents… and though growing up you wished you had been born to another family, after 21, they are the only parents you could ever need. They only do the best they know how. Children don’t come with a handbook…

I have learnt that brothers hit you with cricket bats and your sister will steal your clothes for a reason… Karma. Yet they are your best friends, best partying companions and only
confidantes and you reach a point in your life when you realize this and the past is forgotten.

I have learnt that having children doesn’t teach you patience, only points you in the direction to finding it. With that, I have learnt that children are not your life. They are life. You are not raising a miniature version of yourself, but rather a miniature version of someone else. I have also learnt that all the wife’s tales are a load of hogwash and the only advice you should take about having children, is don’t take anyone else’s advice.
(Other than your mothers of course).
I have learnt only children GET BORED and perhaps a sibling for Hayley is NOT such a bad idea in the far distant future.

I have come to learn that nothing will come to you, you will fight for everything… good, bad, somewhere in between. You will keep fighting and when you are down and still kicking, the worst will be thrown at you for you continue the battle… I have learnt that things don’t happen in three’s… they happen in 8’s or more (Add them up, see for yourself). With that I have learnt that you need to cry. It is imperative.

I have learnt that no matter what anyone says, continue to do what you love. Even when you suck at it, because only something you love can truly make you happy…

I have learnt that you may not always want to go to work in the morning, if this is the case. Don’t. Then you aren’t doing something you want to do. Find a job which you enjoy going to every morning and can discuss every evening when you come home – You spend more time with your colleagues than you do your family, you may as well love where you work.

I have learnt that the mind needs constant stimulation and idol hands do in fact get up to mischief. Find a hobby. Read a book. Write one even… Don’t be afraid to share it.

I have learnt that your first love, will not be your last.
I have learnt that sometimes things end before you are able to say you are sorry – Say it anyway.

I have learnt that you will learn to live with the regrets of past relationships gone sour, you will have regrets and each person you are with truly takes a piece of your heart.
I have learnt that all love is not in fact love, where you misguided by lust and comfort.
I have learnt that true love is not easy to find, you will have to fight for it. Once you find it, you will have to fight for it to keep it.
Don’t give up looking, even when people tell you too… All good things do come to those who wait, all better things are found by the other half of people still searching.
I have learnt never to go to bed on an argument.
Always say I am sorry.
Speak your mind or write a letter – Nothing should be a secret.

I have learnt that dancing is a necessity. It is one of the few things that will keep me sane.

I have learnt that writing poetry is a love of mine and I will continue to do so as long as these fingers can type. I have learnt to accept criticism and judgement of what I write as constructive and will build on it.

I have learnt that I need to sing because I am happy. Sing because I am free. And there is nothing wrong with googling lyrics every time you hear a brilliant song.

I have learnt that the plans I had for myself in the past, are not those that I have for the future. Yet, they are just as good.

I have learnt that the phrase ‘living without regrets’ is not possible. We will all regret something for some or other reason, its what you do with that regret that counts.

I have learnt that you cant love everyone in the world all of the time and you will be irritated with a friend, a family member, a colleague at regular intervals. There is nothing you can do about it. Its life.

I have learnt that I cant be so anal. Cleaning my house everyday is not essential.
But it helps.

I have learnt that there are many things I would still like to do with my life… many things I wish to learn (How to cook / bake better) and many things I wish to achieve. Many of the things I said I didn’t want to do after failed attempts, I have decided I will try again.

More importantly. I have learnt nothing goes the way you plan, but without your consent life happens anyway. I am too old to change much and too young not to start again.

Your sleep

2009-12-03T12:43:00.007+02:00

Golden sheen upon your skin…
Moon shine between the curtains
Catch your eye lashes
Short gasps escape
Beneath the sheets
Inter twined fingers unlock…
Comatose contortion
He who once faced away
Now beats and breathes
In my direction
Beneath your eyelids
Cornea’s prance and dance
Your body ever still
Lips in song
Mouth unmoving
Dimpled corners curl
Forming soothing smiles
Comforting as you dream
Silent and calm
Emotions play across your face
Nose and eyes awash
With the mischief of slumber
In the thick of the dark
This quiet numbs me
Entranced by the security
Of your sleep in my wake
Gentle and soft
Whilst my own sleep eludes me
I lay
I watch
I drift…
Goodnight

Confusion

2009-12-03T12:43:00.005+02:00

Indecision plagues my every orifice
While the saltiness streams from the holes in my face
My heart now knows the way forward
It is my head that no longer agrees
I claw at each thought that makes itself known to me
Why do you taunt me like this?
Take all that I know and all that I wanted
Turn everything upside down and inside out
Unfiltered emotion weaved through the sinew
A vacant lot where my soul used to be
Confusion seems to reign
Where once you thought you were oh so sure
Tell me that you need me
The darkness will not stir
Say it like you mean it
I still wont turn off the light
Who I am seems not be good enough for you
Who I want to be is not who you want
What I have to give you
No longer sufficient
Blow me back
Like leaves in the wind
Wash me away
As the rain would the filth
Leave me to get back up again
As I have had to do over and over again
You are not the first to splinter me
You will not be the last
As long as you know
The damage you have caused
In light of the love you left me

:(

2009-12-03T12:43:00.003+02:00

My tears hold my pen with which I write
And my sadness motivates my fingers with which I type...
You were everything I ever wanted and all I would ever need
All I am and have was meant only for you
Everything of myself was mine to give and yours to receive
My heart, with which to love you...
My eyes, with which to see you...
My lips, with which to kiss you...
My hands, with which to caress you...
My ears, with which to listen to you...
My body, with which to need you...
My life, with which to give you...
If ever there was true love's eternity etched in stone
The coldness of my heart melted to reveal it
A fire fuelled me from within
With a passion to be yours and yours alone
My writing now means nothing
And my words are barely cool
Before the pain and glass is shot through my heart
To leave me bleeding and wounded
I may not feel that pain as you do
But emotionally I am ripped at the seams
You hid so much and spared me so little
Yet you loved me like I longed to be loved
Anything you asked, you had
Anything you wished for, I granted
And now I sit here alone
Broken and scathed
Out you cut me like a growth
Quickly you remove me like a cancer
And jaggedly you strip me
To nothing
With the means with which we started
And now it seems the way in which we end
Words that hurt
Words that cut
Words that burn
A love based on words that no longer seem to matter
And can never be forgotten
I choke back my tears
Longing to be the strong woman you want me to be
As you hope to rid me from you
like I would a burden from my shoulders
Numbness in the realisation that thats what you thought
Take me as I am and that is all I have to offer
I gave you the one promise I never wanted to break
And now... that promise holds no worth
In silence you suffered without realising pushed me away
How I fought and reached and grabbed and flailed
Holding onto emptiness that envelopes you
Swallowing me whole
So in the end...
I am left
with nothing...
In pain I sit eternal

My Walk

2009-12-03T12:43:00.001+02:00

Never alone but lonely
I walk my road
Hearing cars pass me by
The wind whistling in my ears
Birds chirp fleetingly
Yet nothing is all I hear
No one is all I see
Emptiness is all I feel
I keep walking
The path is straight
The road never winding
One foot in front of the next
I count
Its all I can do
No challenge
No challenger
I long to turn
Reverse
I am pushed on by a need
The need for contact
Do I run?
Where is everybody
Do I call out?
I cant reach in fear of being found
And yet all that finds me is
non existent
Sanctuary ever distant
And so
I sit...

Goodbye

2009-12-03T12:42:00.005+02:00

Only inches from you I stand
My body fighting back the urge
Yet my eyes disagree
A solitary tears spurns itself down my cheek
And with that, they flow
Unable to speak
The words are choked before they reach my lips
I lay my head on your shoulder
I hold on to you so that I can remember
So that I dont have to forget
All the inches of you I have memorised
So that after you are gone
I can envision any and all of you
With these thoughts the tears flow heavy
I hold tighter knowing the inevitable has arrived
With that you must pull away
I dont want to let go
I dont want to watch you walk away
The need to feel you again
Surpasses the pain of good bye
Our lips touch for the final time
Though this is not forever
Merely a brief parting
All is not well when you are away
I am not well when you are away
Entwined fingers come undone
Legs walk away and it is over
I am left with my tears
And only the hope that I will see you
Soon my love. Soon.

The Wait

2009-12-03T12:42:00.003+02:00

Foreign pain numbs me.
The answer that has eluded me for eons
I have been free for some time
Yet now you return to plague me
Tell me where to look
Show me where to turn
My body contorted in wretched pain
Emotional ache leaves me
Physicality a reminder
The vertigo blackens me
Dimming the light of my thoughts
Lay me down into my shallow bed
The stone that chills my bones through
I close my eyes in disbelief
How you taunt me
Take from me my able body
Replacing me with feeble limbs
I ache to be filled with putrid anger
For the wolves to eat my abhorrent self
From the insides out
For the all consuming rage that swirls
in the very pits of my being
to fuel my hatred and keep me vengeful
Yet… I am humble
I cannot be displeasured
Nor will I allow my dander
To contaminate that which keeps me sane.
Merely a lost soul
In an unforgiving embrace
Without understanding or cause
I will wait with humility
And will spur forth
With but a book to guide me
A hand to lead me
And a heart to love me
All that I wish for myself…
Tis mine to grant.

True Reflection

2009-12-03T12:42:00.001+02:00

“It is of practical value to like yourself. Since you must spend so much time with yourself you might as well get some satisfaction from the relationship”. - Norman Vincent Peale

I long to one day wake up and look into the mirror and truly like the person I see. Not only from a physical point of view, emotionally and mentally as well.
I am not a bad person… I am a person to which many good and bad things have happened, as with many and most others of the world.
I am someone who harbours much guilt for actions of my past… I am someone who harbours much resentment towards others for experiences that I should not have had to go through.
I am someone that is affected deeply by things… thoughts… feelings… words.
I dont forget and yet I still have the ability to forgive. The ability is never lost, merely the inclination.
When I look in the mirror… the person I see physically bears scars that will never leave me. Scars of a past and of a history that I cannot change, merely learn from. The same scars burrow deep into my conscious being, the scars that remain on my heart and those that filter through my head…

“There is something beautiful about all scars of whatever nature. A scar means the hurt is over, the wound is closed and healed, done with.” - Harry Crews

Do I still hurt? Yes… Yes I still hurt. I still hurt and ache with the inability to wash away that which has blackened my dark. Everybody hurts. Everybody Cries. I am no more special or no more worse off than anyone else. Everyone has had pain and everyone has had to endure sadness, heartache, misery. Everyone has had to experience pain. It is how we deal with that pain that makes us different from each other… that seperates the wolves from the sheep.
And so, do I like myself? Do I like the way I handle things… Do I like the way I treat people on a daily basis? Do I like the sick that spills from my mouth in open rage? I do like myself. Though perhaps not completely, I do like what I have become and am proud of what I have come from. The things that I can change, I am working on. From the inside out… I have no time for hatred and now the emptiness I have been left with after the effects of time is ready to be filled with happiness.
Too often we spend time on the things we cannot change. I cannot remove my scars and eternally they will be left as a reminder. A reminder of days when I realised my life was going to change. Life and death experiences in every true essence. Too often we dont remember that we cannot change the person we were in the past nor can we change anyone else… what we do have control over is the person we can be. We were born with all the potential and yet all the influence of the world. What we choose to do with it is up to no one but ourselves and the ability to be the person we will look in the mirror and like is in our hands…

What will you see when you look in the mirror…

My book

2009-12-03T12:41:00.007+02:00

Am I an open book?
Or do you manage to read into me
Without even turning the pages of my life?
I can reveal so little and still
You know so much.
Is it possible you know too much?
Have I opened myself up for pain?
How I wish I could read you.
The way that you read me.
I long to know
So much you are unwilling to tell
I long to give you
So much more than I have.
Without saying a word
You see into my thoughts
And perceive my future
Anticipating my fate
You know me
Better than I have ever known myself.
You know things about me.
Things I cant tell about myself.
Still, you wish to know more.
Read further still…
Leaf through my chapters

Rewrite my ending
Recover my spine
Renumber my pages
For you, I give you time…

My plea

2009-12-03T12:41:00.005+02:00

In the darkness of the night
I roll over and reach for you
Searching to place my arm
Around your body…
yet all my hand finds is a pillow
And an empty space where
you should be.
I long for the solace of your
presence
and for the sanctuary of
your hold.
Yet in the stills of this evening
I lay alone…
Night after night, alone…
Day after day yearning for you.
An ache within me
That feels your absence
And bleeds with the distance
How I hate the space between…
So your side of my bed remains
made up
And the pillows and blanket
never moved.
I roll back to where I laid once more
Still alone
With only my thoughts and dreams of you
to get me through the night.
An absence so present
An absence I will never be able to accept
An absence unwilling
Come to me my love
For where you belong
Is a cold, dark and empty space
Along side me
Waiting to be filled…

Hurt

2009-12-03T12:41:00.003+02:00

Stab me… cut me… peel me…
Tear me… Shred me… kill me…

Take every part of me and eat it if you will
Cut from me every limb and crush each of my bones
Rip up my senses, my screams ring shrill
Pull apart my heart into the smallest pebbles and stones

A sickness to my stomach
Bile rises up from deep within me
Help me up because I cannot stand
If I remain on my knees you beat me freely.

Lay me down and stand on me
Feel my ribs crushed beneath your feet
Roll me over and kick me
A heel right too my teeth…

A fist into my side
Blade through my veins and neck
Eerily I dont want to run and hide
While my body it is you wreck

Though I know of a worse fate
One that will kill me harder
The need you ask me to sate
While here I sit a matyr

Do all you want to my body
Leaving not much left of my mind
Its my emotions you cant take
My heart you wish to find

Stab me… cut me… peel me…
Tear me… Shred me… kill me…

It is all yours for you to have
And whilst I lay here bleeding
Its my dreams I want you to see
The only thing I have left for you… is me

Bleed

2009-12-03T12:41:00.001+02:00

The warmth of your crimson essence
Seeping from your eyes
You feel it cool past your cheeks
And taste its bitterness
Trickling over your bloodied lips
How you long for the pain to cease
For the peace and rest in death’s end
Yet I cant be with you to face your agony
Only watch as you flail
Allow our lips too meet and exchange heat
Flickering of our tongues and taste of your mouth
As you take me into your hold
I will not loosen my grip
And my fingernails will dig deeper
Deeper into the swells of your spine
My knuckles white with the force
Of never wanting to let go
If I could be conjoined to you
Eternally to ease your pain
So that my desire would be
While you bleed I will remain
And while you feel I will be at your side
For all I am and have
Is now filled with a purpose
Fuelled by a feeling
In death there will be much hurt
But an all encompassing love
That my existence will never be without
For I choose not too know otherwise.

Ramblings

2009-12-03T12:40:00.006+02:00

I’ve wandered aimlessly
Eyes balckened, soul cold
A prisoner of
my own demise
All that haunts my sight
is but my own
To forget is to remember
Relive moments buried
Moving forward
Entails looking back
Of this I am sure
And to learn
is to forgive
The beginning of
my journey
Not yet discovered
Confusion ensues
And the thought of
my closeness

A child's slumber

2009-12-03T12:40:00.005+02:00

She lays…
Oh so peacefully she lays.
Her eyes close and forget
She forgets all her woes
Burying the tiresome antics
of the day
In the sanctity of a dream…
A dream soon to torment
her sleep
I watch as she flails
Arms outstretched
as the look of terror
Sweeps across her once
calm face
Her button nose scrunched
Her small lips pursed
Her eyes closed tight
She is scared
Yet I cant wake her
I cant move her
In fear of disturbing a
nightmare she needs.
As quickly as it starts its over
She wakes herself in fear
And a scream escapes
from her mouth
The tears roll down her face
as she holds on to me
So tight.
Seeking the solace of
a mothers hold.
I dont let go
I will never let go
As softly she falls to slumber
once more…

The understanding

2009-12-03T12:40:00.003+02:00

For someone who says volumes
The words dont want to come.
Its as if everything I want to say
Swims circles around my lips
and my thoughts run rampant
Through the empty space in my psyche
How I wish you could read my mind
Pinpoint each and every cogitation
You would become aware of everything
I am unable to verbalise.
Not for lack of trying
As with every motion stirring my subconscious,
I undertake mouthing these words to you.
Yet you cannot lip read…
You do not see me.
And so the words dont make sense.
They remain mere mutter
Under my breath and lingering on my tongue.
I want to show you.
My actions will depict far more than my words.
But you are infinities away.
I reach to you
My arms outstretched and my heart wide open
Yet this pain far surpasses my loss for words.
And so in the end I write to you
For the world to see and hear.
Yet none of them could comprehend…
The masses believe they know
Only that which they see to be true.
In the end they know nothing at all.
I will continue to fight for you to understand
As your conception is the only one that counts.
Your deliberation the only that matters.
Hear me. See me. Feel me.

I’ve grown stronger than you thought I could be.
Am fearful as you knew I would be.
Ever greatful as I have been.
And awash with emotion as I always will be.

Love at first sight

2009-12-03T12:40:00.001+02:00

I dont believe in love at first sight…
I never have
I didnt believe I ever would,
Until I met you.
And though we spoke
for some time before
I dont think I ever expected
What had happened
What would happen
As you walked towards me
Every part of me melted
I still remember what you wore
How you swaggered
How you grinned
I remember how nervous I was
How it took me forever to pluck up the courage
to meet you…
The feeling of not wanting to dissapoint
I remember how we spoke
How we sat and talked
I remember the looks
and the uncertainty
I remember knowing what would happen
Before it even did…
I remember everything about that day
I remember everything about that night
More importantly I remember the good bye
And how it hurt me to the core
It was at that moment that I knew.
Some say your ‘one’ is out there
I have met my ‘one’
And on that lonely drive home
I knew that I would spend the rest of my days
Telling how I was in love with you
You are the ‘one’
And so from that day we have been led to this point
I have learnt to love
I have learnt to believe
I have learnt to feel
With that, I know
It was love at first sight.
Forever and always…

A prayer

2009-12-03T12:39:00.006+02:00

Again its dark…
As the moon comes in to play
I hear the nocturnal adventures
of the evening birds
Singing in their
heavenly voices.
And so now is the time
I kneel on both knees
Alongside my bed
as the moon shines in
through the cracks in
the curtains…
A kneeling unfamiliar to me
Conversation completely
out of my comfort zone
And yet I need to talk
Need to thank
Need to rant
Where do I start
How do I address you
Its so quiet and for once
I am at a loss for words…
I sift through my thoughts
Trying to remember the
words of old
That which was taught to me
as a child…
Teachings long forgotten
I know where I want to start
and so the words come
Jumbled. Confused.
Mottled by the ramblings
of a lamb lost…
Yet I am comforted
I know you understand me
And no longer fear
that you dont hear me…
And so you listen
I mutter on and on and on.
You never tell me to stop.
You lend your heart
Your ears
Until I am awash with emotion
That hinders more words
And still you know what I think
What I dream and who I am.
Thankful… I stand
An age old ending
Set into the ages of history
And with that
A goodnight
Amen.

A silly rhyme

2009-12-03T12:39:00.005+02:00

Childrens smiles, blue balloons
Ladles and jellyspoons
Tears of laughter, tears of joy
My favourite book, my favourite toy.

Droplets of rain upon my face
The touch and feel of silk and lace
The yummy taste of strawberries
Bananas, pears, peaches and cherries.

Chocolates and milkshakes
Muffins and fairy cakes
Fizzy stuff and sticky too
A tipsy tart and beefy stew

Cuddling up at night so close
A peck on your cheek and onto your nose
The feel of your lips upon my skin
The beauty of feeling cardinal sin

Things that make me happy
Far too many to list
But having you in my life
Makes me giddy and silly like this

Over it

2009-12-03T12:39:00.003+02:00

What have I become…
Does my past dictate my future?
Does my strong willed nature
mask the fear beneath?
Afraid to turn off the light…
Unafraid to open myself up
Allowing myself to feel
To hurt, to need, to want
To desire, to listen, to heed
I should be cautious…
Weary… yet, instead I am
unrelenting.
Never willing to give up.
Ambitious and fearless
Merely a scared and tearful
toddler underneath.
In my past always trying
to be the bigger man
Never admitting I am the
better man.
Always listening to others
opinions and arguments
Never forming my own…
Yet that WAS the past.
This is now.
I have learnt to think
for myself… too feel for myself
To close myself off to the
bad mouths and thoughts of
others.
If only I had learnt sooner?
The beauty of hindsight
Say what you want
Think what you want
Your opinion is merely a dot
on the map of my existence
And my roads lead nowhere
in your thoughts
I am done caring…
I am my own person
I dont care what you think…

Darkness still

2009-12-03T12:39:00.001+02:00

Lying in the dark
Brightened only by the light
of a solitary lamp…
A lamp I can never switch off.
The light would always be on.
It seems being hidden
In the solitude of darkness
Is a fear that plagues my every
nights sleep…
To close ones eyes leaves one
in darkness
So why can I not fall asleep
to the habitat of my demons?
The very darkness
from whence I came.
How I long to turn off that light
And with every moonshine
Another attempt failed.
My goal is not to become
accustomed to dark
But to be the light that
shines in the blackness…

Addiction

2009-12-03T12:38:00.008+02:00

That last drink… the bottom of an empty glass…

That last pill… an empty pill bottle remains….

The last cigarette… an empty box lays strewn on the floor…

The last kiss goodbye… a forgotten love distant and lost…

The last chip played… the last of the poker hand…

Addiction haunts me.
It thwarts my past…
It threatens my future…

How do I cure these addictions?
How do I rid myself of the nightmares in my daydreams?

Forever I am damaged…
Damaged by the addictions
By the over use.
And under felt.

The obsession… the compulsion…
The frustration… the revulsion

I repulse myself.
I cannot control myself.
The addiction takes over.
Slicing from my flesh.
Tearing at my heart.
Feeding on my thoughts.
Caressing my wants.
Barring my desires.
Fueling my needs.

My addiction.
You are my opium.
My prescription…

Though I feel and know your damage all to well…
You have become my safety net personified.
You are the difference between where I stand and where I lay.
You are the indifference between my mind and my heart.

My addiction.
My efforts to be rid of you go unnoticed�
and you take hold of my will power once again…

Wash me away
My addiction.

Realisation

2009-12-03T12:38:00.007+02:00

Moments of indecision
Though not indecision at all
Knowing for a moment
In an instant
What is good
What will work
Ready for a challenge
Willing to make it right
Get it right
Keep it right
Awoken with an epiphany
A revelation
An awakening.
All that will be
will be,
All that can be done
will be done.
All that I know
will be confirmed
All that I long for
I will receive
All that has gone wrong
will not change
All that can go right
will be corrected.
A realisation so sudden
Though not sudden at all
Love will prevail.
To be in love
with love
To love,
to be loved
To give love,
to receive love
I have love.
I am thankful.

My mind's eye

2009-12-03T12:38:00.005+02:00

Trapped on a never-ending path
of self destruction
My mind’s eye watching me
waiting with baited breath
Aching to escape from the walls
of its prison.
Helpless. It stares.
Frustrated
Unable to repair the damage
of its body’s actions or addictions.
The body oblivious
to the eye’s requests
Pulling me, gripping, grabbing
pleading
Failure.
The mission of my mind’s eye
ignorant
Inability to adapt to the inevitable
The mind’s eye closes

Angels & Wolves

2009-12-03T12:38:00.003+02:00

Twisting, writhing, wretched contortionist.
Avoiding, withholding, unfeeling proportionist.

In the dark swells of the sess pools of your soul
You have murdered and hurt
Inflicted pain and cried…

And the burning fires that fuel your soldiers
pull you up from the ashes as if the icy wind
carries you from afar…

Hoping to drag you from the abyss
in which you find yourself
Unrelenting…

The words you yield carve atrocities into my eyes
While the blade of your tongue slices,
Deeper, deeper into my chastised nature

When the angels perish, wolves shall morn…
A risk never taken, a chance forgotten
Insatiable love. Love’s last jest…

Owned

2009-12-03T12:37:00.006+02:00

As I lay here on this cold unforgiving floor,

Every inch of my body convulsing with the terror of my own tears.

Each breath struggling to free itself from me,

The thoughts of you and your being fill my soul…

I should be scared, fearful and unforgiving.

I should be hurt and shamed.

My body is broken,

of which my mind cannot explain.

There are no words,

Yet still the tears stream down my face.

You know not what you have done to me

And still I am drawn to you, never to let go.

Needles piercing, tearing, shredding,

Unrelenting.

Every beat my heart writhing within my chest,

This pain I feel is unknown yet thrilling and true.

The questions I could not answer verbally

Were all the answers you needed in the solace of my being

The pain slowly subsides

And only the happiness remains…

Forever and always my love

Never to my detriment

Only to my exuberance

I am owned.

Unnamed

2009-12-03T12:37:00.005+02:00

Tears travel their path

Down my cheeks

My lips start to quiver

I am unable to speak

Every thought a weight

that drags me deeper

Into this abyss

Ive lost my keeper

When hatred is able

to be replaced

and content is a feeling

aptly mislaced

When heartached dwindles

in favor of hope

Loves lost entity

leaves a fear I cant cope

Awakening

2009-12-03T12:37:00.003+02:00

Walking away from the light

Brightness epitomising my end

Death is no longer my ambition

Now and ever my prohibition

Ive made the choice

and its another path I seek

The vapour of my being

Now a reality in my consciousness

A casualty of my past

no longer

Tis not the same light i envision

But the brightness

Of a new dawn

Colourful

2009-12-03T12:37:00.001+02:00

Black and grey

This void Ive wished to fill

Over and over in my head

I envision colour

Yet nothing comes to light

Take my hand

The symbiosis of love and life

embezzled in the deepest of

trecherous humanities

Let us conquer

Allow us to reign

This void overrun with darkness

That it my fill with an ever

consuming power

Together we are colourful

Apart we are grey

This void no longer empty

Love.

Colour.

Life.

I wish for you

2009-12-03T12:36:00.006+02:00

I wish for you sleep

For when your eyes are tired.

Heart is weary

Body exhausted

There is no better reward

I wish for you love

For when your eyes are blinded

Heart is full

Body mature

There is no better intensity

I wish for you peace

For when your eyes are saddened

Heart is at war

Body rigid

There is no better escape

I wish for you laughter

For when your eyes twinkle

Heart is dancing

Body relaxed

There is no better exuberance

I wish for you tears

For when your eyes are dry

Heart is sad

Body broken

There is no better solace

I wish for you compassion

For when your eyes are cautious

Heart is pounding

Body indifferent

There is no better climax

I wish for you honesty

For when your eyes are wide

Heart is cool

Body unsure

There is no better release

I wish for you…

Simles when you want to give them

Hugs to be received

Sympathy for others

Contentment your reprieve

Passion in everything you do

Charisma in all you think

Envy for those deserving

Jealousy, the devils link

I wish for you everything that

you wish for yourself

My child.

With love…

Ask

2009-12-03T12:36:00.003+02:00

Ask of me what you will…

What you need

That which you desire.

Ask of me what will relieve pain

What will soothe

That which you fear to ask.

For in love, there are no limits.

There are no lines.

For you I will give you what you need

What you ask of me

What you desire

And when you ask, I shant faulter

Nor will my love retreat.

Perhaps unaware of the extent

of my emotion…

Yet not liking emotion at all.

Perhaps longing to be happy…

Yet hell-bent and taking happiness

away.

Perhaps knowing you are in love…

Yet think you love me.

What you do does not go unnoticed

What you say does not go unheard

What you feel does not go ignored

What you need does not go unrequited

In love, life is never guaranteed

In life, neither is love.

In heartache, pain is never guaranteed

In pain, neither is heartache

And so ask of me what you will

What you need

What you wish

And what you desire

I will return to you

All you need and more

My love

Rememberance

2009-12-03T12:36:00.001+02:00

Awash with torment
that destroys anothers heart
Tis plausible that perhaps
only in death we live
only in death we find peace
only in death do we dream
Lest we forget the ones left
behind.
The ones who walked with us,
without cause or complaint
down this deep dark spiralling path
who will relinquish the fire after
we are gone.
Though your body is cold,
your love is alight
and though your head is empty
your heart spills over
and when you are lost
you will be guided.
I believe in death, there is
rememberence.
In death you wont forget me.
Destiny would not allow you to.
And the darkness will envelope you,
as if my arms were wrapped around
your chest.
And in life when I am left
I will not forget you
Nor will I leave you
Ever.

Listen

2009-12-03T12:35:00.002+02:00

I am on my knees.
My body taken,
I am subdued. Submissive.
You take what is yours.
That which I have allowed
to be yours.

You teach me with your hand.
Again. And Again.
The lesson you believe I should
be taught.
I dont fight. I cant.
You are overpowering.

Into me you come
as you force my head deeper
into your chest.
I cant breathe.
For a second,
I dont want to.

The air escapes from
the slit that is my mouth
My body convulses
shaking the putridity
from itself.
Then it is all over.

It should be wrong.
I should be scared.
Though in my heart
I know to hurt me is not
your intention.
Only what you know best.

So I tell you.
Allowing you to relive.
To experience
To understand.
What desperation
has had me keep from you.

It is not over.
Not by far.
I am here… willing and able.
I speak. I listen.
I feel your pain
I cry.

Emotion felt like none
for no other.
Every beat of my heart
encompassing what I
feel for you both.
Yet you try so hard.

Dont feel the guilt.
Nor the pain of actions
unbeknownst to you.
Understand that…yes
I too am beginning to
understand.

Spending too long
finding solace in the
saviour of others.
I am not here to be saved.
Perhaps to save
you…

Let me…

Sand & Sea

2009-12-03T12:35:00.001+02:00

Waves of the proverbial ocean
crashing against the forethought of my mind
All emotion I know
second guessed by the bytstanders
in my life plan and travels
Does their opinion made a difference?
Do their ideals suit my own?
I shouldnt care what people think
their words should sink into the sand
in my lagoon of nonchalance
Yet their sharp tongues cut into my
sole like broken shells on a discerning beach
Allowing myself to day dream
on the beach…sand that is blown away
by the harsh reality of the south easterly
Pulling us back to the grips of reality
Where the shores are awash with algae
And our mind caged by the buoys
far beyond the breakers
I long to live at this ocean
Salty freedom tasted on my lips…
But a dream.
But a dream.

Not an argument - Nor a debate… merely insight.

2009-12-03T12:34:00.000+02:00

To be all consumed…

Is it healthy?

By all consumed, I mean… If you live, eat, breathe, sleep and think of one particular thing / person all day every day, is it unhealthy?

Is it wrong to want to give your all, your everything, your body, your mind, your soul for something / someone that you feel so strongly about… if it makes you feel good, if it makes you feel whole… if it makes you selfish for feeling part of something?

To be prepared to suffer the ills, endure the hardships, enjoy the happiness and relish in the light….

So much talk has been on death and life and the relentlessness in between…

My question / statement is this.

I am dying… I know that. We all are… some perhaps sooner than others. We were all given a gift of life to do with it what we will. Choice. Free Will. How we choose to live our lives is partly up to us and partly up to the way of life you choose… Most faithful christians will live their lives the right way. The way they know how. The way of the bible. The way they have been taught. Though this is not a religious debate this was just an example…
There has been much conversation regarding how to live your life and whether or not you choose to be reckless, responsible or somewhere in between. I myself have squandered most of my 24 years of life. I know this now… Read back into past blogs and you will see why I say this. Though, I recognise these faults and flaws and have now made the choice I am too change… My path is mapped out for me, I am just paging through the road map.
I am ALIVE. Already for this I am greatful. I have a beautiful daughter. I have a somewhat tainted family but I have them nonetheless. I have a gift… A gift I have never understood but now will relish my all to learn and experience.

How / If I live my life… It is how I choose to live. My perception of living.
For me to live is not to party every weekend, drink, take drugs, sleep around… nor is it an extremist form of living where I would feel the need to do things that would cause me to endanger my life.

Living for me? Living is love… To be in love and be able to give someone all of myself… Everything I am, have, was and will be. To be all encompassed by the very thought of being in love. Not only to be in love with a person of the opposite sex. To be in love with my God, who I never recognised before yet in the last 24 hours has given me (And kept with me) so much more than I deserve. To be in love with my daughter who is every part of me and to be in love with myself… For you cannot love anyone else without truly loving yourself. Yes, I am flawed. No, I am not the most beautiful nor the smartest nor the wittiest… I am me. I think finally, after 24 years on this earth existing in a waste of life I am FINALLY seeing that.

So what am I all consumed with? Love. For me love is living…

I cannot determine anothers way of live nor how they choose to live it. The beauty of choice…
But as a friend, a lover, a partner, a sister, a mother and a daughter I can be here to support and assist in any way I can… Because for people I love, I will make the sacrifice of judgment and reveal the beauty of faith.

I think some of us are born to lead. Others are born with the ability to lead but want to follow.
I am neither a leader nor a follower - I am me. I am empowered and I have love…
I only wish others could see the beauty of what love holds and how it is only as difficult as you make it… as with anything, love is but a choice.

Thank you (”,)

Myself

2009-12-03T12:33:00.000+02:00

My nails long to grip deep tearing the flesh from my eyes
Forcing the scarlet tears to fall across my sadness
Perhaps this would be the pain to endure
In replacement for an ache which is not my own
A longing to place my hand upon your chest
To close my eyes in absorbtion
Allowing you for a brief moment serenity
Whilst the awareness of release ensues
Though it is pure fear withholding my need
Disallowing my acceptance of a gift
That which I have so often ignored
In pursuit of control I thrust my hands to the sky
Historically not expecting a glorious response
Realisation of embodiment follows everlasting
Questonable motives in unexplained experience
Yet my selflessness remains unrecognised
How painful is anguish, when pain requited
Though I claim not to take it all
Nor do I envision severity, where I know my bounds
And still my hand trembles across my own bosom
Fearful of darkness leading death and sacrifice
A wise souls words still lingering on my yearning lips
So I wait patiently while sporadic steps reveal themselves
Disconnected ideals buried with a past forgotten
It is here I know my journey starts
but yet knows no end
And by your side I know I am great
Take my hand and for a mere mortal moment
Show me who I am…