Grandad

Grandad

Our time on earth
So brief we share
Yet you Grandad
Were always there
Beside the matriarch
You stood
Knowing what to say
And when you should
You watched a son
Be taken away
Yet even then
No strength did stray
From the sidelines
You were a rock
An open door
On which to knock
You endured much pain
Body and mind too
Yet no question
You persevered through
No man could have rolled
Tobacco like you
Nor invented the cool things
Like you used to do
Sneaking late x-files
With our leftover lunch
Or getting up early
For semolina for brunch
Watching you so careful
As you cut your gems
Treating in life
As you would your friends
Family being held
Even more dear
Loved and cherished
Even now you’re not here
An amazing husband
A father so true
A grandfather so special
A great grandfather too
So many who love you
Who will miss your smile
To see again
They’d travel miles
Though your time with us
Has come to an end
A new path awaits
For you to begin
We will never forget you
A promise we make
We love you Sid Battams
Our memories of you never to shake…

Strength

Strength

How the strong do fall
When faced with eternal agony
And who, besides to ourselves
Do we weaken in the night
We pose questions unanswered
By non existent presence
Unto the darkness and the moon
No calls are heeded
Weaker still
This iron exoskeleton grows weary
For when all men do weep
The strong mimic pillars
Of buildings unshattered
No heel of Achilles shall tear
Them down
Yet in solitude, still we lie
Warm mineral filled liquid travels
Shock at the unknown
The armor so quickly laid down
A moment of weakness ensues
Ever brief
As the strong suit up
For life’s war yet again

Cancer

Cancer

Her poison she spreads
She dances, she mames
Your body he breaks
You struggle in vain
Such pleasure she takes
As you forget your own name
Riddle with guilt
You cower in shame
Opportunist she is
As she stakes her claim
Every breath makes you ache
Your organs she frames
Try to hide, try to fight
Though you’re losing this game
Out of mind, out of sight
There is no one here to blame
She has taken you from us
Quickly gone, as quick as she came
Left behind this void
Not possible to fill
She took your body
Yet your spirit is here still

The light before

How beautiful the suns rays
When along water they frolic
From beneath the surface
I am eternally enamoured
Gleaming and glowing
They dance amongst the coral
The flora below to tickle
Reflections of light
Bouncing off my face
My eyes stinging
Saltiness resting in my lids
I cannot turn away
The sun, how hypnotizing
The last beauty I'm ever to see
Her rays dance among the bubbles
Caressing my skin
The last warmth I'm to feel
I exhale for the final time
Sunlight fading to black
As he releases his grip
Sun kissed water fills my lungs
Goodbye glorious world
And to the sun herself...
... Goodnight

Today

It hurts today
Today I ache
It cuts today
Today I sting
Will it cease?
Today not
Will it leave?
Another day
Not today
Tears fall
Today
Staining tears
Heart pains
Still today
Anger wanes
Only today
Such sadness
All today
Such anguish
Felt today
Will I be ok...
... Today?
Not today
But
Tomorrow...

Never enough

Burn all you know
Cut those you love deep
Complain of all you have
Never satisfied, never happy

Never complete you are
Wanting more and more
It is never enough for you
Yearning for something else

This is not your life you say
You got a raw deal
Someone else got what is yours
Always longing... Wishing

What will change your fate?
Who will make you smile?
When is it enough?
How long will you pine?
Why can't you accept?

Your fate is yours to decide
Your smile yours to show
It is enough from this moment
The pining to end
Time to accept

It IS enough

Cynical

The sun awakes with morning dew
For the rain I wait to fall
Each green shrub and grass blade of beauty
I wait to die, to wilt, to wither
Rose bush flowers before your eyes
Their demise by frost I await

Waves against the shore do crash
Each sand dwelling creature to drown
Its colours of blue and green so breathtaking
For its dirty brown shade to take I wait
Sunset along the skyline
I'm expecting the night to fall

The ill being aided to fight their pain
Anticipation of their death looms
To dance and jump and enjoy once more
Their bones to break my only vision
To retain their youth in all they do
For me, biding time until decrepit

A heart that sings, beats aloud
I yearn for it to stop
For love to experience and produce
Temporarily in residing sadness' place
Joy and happiness with each heart beat
It will end my friend, don't get comfortable

To each enjoyment there is
The dark side beneath
This cynic is not cynical
Takes a realist to see it
Its what I am
I am real

For my favourite

To wash away the hurt my friend
To wipe the crimson tear
In a heartbeat I would do for you
At your side I'm always here

Anger and hatred I'd slay for you
Sadness and heartache and fear
Without hesitation I'd do for you
I'll sharpen and ready my spear

The burn and ache beneath the skin
I'd fix and would repair
No question that I'd mend, my friend
The damage that is there

My favourite, I'd try, I'd do my best
To take it all away
It isn't my pain to heal for you
Though I'd persevere anyway

At your side it is I remain
A shoulder on which to lean
When all the tears leave, my friend
Your friend I've always been

Xoxo

A year

Heartache and happiness
A year will find
Smiles and tears too
But in my best friend I did find
The solace that is you

Life and death
A year will find
Joy and anguish too
But in my confidante I did find
The solace that is you

New and old
A year will find
Replace, revive, renew
But in my lover I did find
The solace that is you

Too reminisce and remember
A year will find
Looking back you did too
But in my future I did find
The solace that is you

Fresh new start and change
A year will find
Compromise too
But in my life partner I did find
The solace that is you

And in this year so many blessings
Angst and sadness too
Yet through it all you were there
I'm ever thankful that it was you

I love you baby :)
Happy 1 year anniversary
5 Sep 2011

Thoughts

I am going through a bit of a rough personal time at the moment, this is what I wrote the day I felt like my world came crashing down :

The darkness in this time is my enemy… my eyes close and I drift to sleep with only the worst case scenarios on my mind. I see your face, so hollow, so scared. The facial expressions are emblazoned on my sub conscious and as my eyelids rest, beneath them all these memories flicker in and out of my dreams. It is as if I have no escape. In the time that I wake, my thoughts and conspiracy theories are doing somersaults in my mind. The questions plague my psyche. Why? How? When? Where? What? I am cursed. These questions over and over again taking away from my reality as I sink further back into myself. Even my own dreams know the limits of my reality and do not allow me time reversal. Do not allow me to change what has been done. All the while when I am awake, the same consciousness is struggling internally with itself to allow me to hold on to what is real. When will my mind be allowed the light? When will my life be allowed its happiness? How does one function as an emotional amputee… when one of your reasons for breathing has been unwillingly removed from your lungs. How do you hold onto positivity when the worst cases need to be taken into consideration as they will change lives forever? I am not the pillar of strength I claim to be and each smile and laugh is purely a façade to placate the onlookers who share my distress. Is it possible that one other could even feel the loss that I feel? Is it possible that the pain I am enduring will one day cease? I wonder if my heart will ever be able to put itself back together again… or if it will bury itself in the event you are taken away from me permanently. Will this void ever be sated without your presence? Where will I lay my head that I will one day again be able to rest. All I do is cause myself more anguish every time I pinch myself to make sure that I am in fact not dreaming. This is all so surreal… all I want to do is wake up from this bad dream that is my life. That is our lives. How unfair that when all is complete and making sense, all gets taken away from us. I see the fire in the eyes of our girls, the life that we have brought and the lives that we shape. I try to draw strength from every one of their breaths and yet I am weak. Without you I am only part of myself and until you return I cannot function completely. I would give willingly of myself to do anything that I could to bring you back. If I could change things, go back in time and remove the poison from your life, become the only one you would ever need, I would. Sadly, I am no magician and the magic that is my will is eluding me at this point in time. Who would ever know how lifeless my limbs are and how empty are my lungs? That each breath I take whilst you are stuck in that hell stabs me with guilt. No one could know the need that I feel to hold you, to feel the touch of your skin… the roughness of your hands. How I ache to feel your warm breath upon my cool winter worn skin. All I want is to be in your arms and to hear the smoothness of your voice… the love in your words. The guilt that I feel for all I have done wrong overwhelms me immensely. Guilt for taking you for granted. How weak I am when I don your clothing to be nearer to you. When I talk to the mirror as if you are here. When I torture myself by staring for hours at the pictures of your beautiful smile and big blue eyes. Who knew that torture was so sickly sweet and whilst all I do is wound myself further, these are wounds I cannot function without. The saltiness of the tears that flow freely from my guilt ridden eyes burns my cheeks on their way down. How did I let you leave without whispering words to you as I should have for months before? With each passing minute another piece of my soul is ripped from its resting place until the emptiness consumes me. I pray for the numbness to take hold of me and to remove me from this plane, to whisk me off to a parallel universe where none of this could ever have been imaginable. A universe where perhaps when we are awarded happiness, we are permitted to keep it. Where the rugs we stand on are not at risk of being pulled out from beneath us. Where my curse is removed and those I love are no longer affected and destroyed by it. If only this universe existed… I would run away with you to this place and never look back. In my dreams the only universe is the one showing me the negative future that I refuse to accept. If only belief was something I was comfortable with… if only faith was something which I knew? Perhaps a prayer from an unworthy beast will fall on not yet deaf ears and a sympathetic answer will be given. Perhaps not. Perhaps this soul was left to the devil a long time ago and all my pleas, prayers and pain is in vain. Perhaps this beast is not able to be loved and all will be done to prevent that from happening, including the ruin of others’ lives as I stand by and watch in dizziness. My curse that is my love for you burns so deeply within me that without you I perish. At the end of it all there may be a light that will be lit for us but until then I sit and I wait in darkness. The candle flickers. The flame dies